ramblings from a rambler

tattoos

2010-04-09T23:11:00.007-04:00

i have been thinking a lot about this, and i really want a tattoo. i've been scouring the internet for ideas (since i definitely do not have the capabilities to draw my own) and these are a few i'm throwing around. i'm leaning more toward the last one. i had the idea for it awhile ago on my own, and then i saw a few pictures of people with it in cooler ways than i imagined and now i'm leaning toward that, i think.

this one i would scale down and put on my foot, crawling up my ankle.

this is probably one i wouldn't go through with, but i love it anyway.

probably either in this exact spot, or on my wrist.

Self-Actualization and Maslow's Heirarchy

2010-02-13T12:48:00.005-05:00

Lots of weird/unsettling dreams lately, coupled with my cabin fever from all the snow we've gotten in the past few weeks, have given me a lot to think about. Michallynn made a list on her blog of all the things she wants to do to improve her life, and that inspired me to do the same thing (thanks Michallynn). Plus I find that if I make lists, I am more inclined to try and cross things off of that list because it is made into something concrete.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs is a theory that says there are tiers of needs from the most basic to the most complex. As humans, we strive to meet each tier of these needs in one form or another or else we are not satisfied; in fact, we become anxious and tense. The most basic level are needs like food, water, and shelter. The highest level is self-actualization - the path to realizing one's full potential. This is my list to achieve self-actualization, written to myself. It is not comprehensive right now, but I might come back and add to it from time to time.

slow down! stop rushing.
seriously work on controlling road rage
stop sacrificing yourself and your desires to try and please others
remember to take a multi-vitamin every day
continue working out three to four times a week, but don't beat yourself up if you get busy and can't make it to the gym one day.
continue striving to eat healthy, but don't beat yourself up if you want a candy bar sometimes.
have a better attitude about class and classwork
take ten minutes out of each day to do something you really enjoy (listen to music, read a book for fun that is NOT school work, do a crossword puzzle)
make actual phonecalls to friends instead of just texting
make more plans for weekend trips or shows with friends so there are things to look forward to
stop scaring yourself about how hard student teaching might be and get excited about it instead
relinquish control of other people's actions. You can only control your choices.
stop worrying so much about the unknown future
say yes to more things, even if it's unfamiliar or scary
stop putting pressure on yourself to meet the love of your life
be more comfortable being alone
stop trusting people so quickly. Make them prove themselves first.

This is a pretty hefty list. Maybe if I have this to refer back to from time to time, to bring me back down, I can dilligently start working on all of these things.

This weekend, I am home in Wilkes-Barre. The last time I was here was for Christmas, and there was a lot of weird stuff going on at home. Also, I was dating a guy in Philly at the time whom I couldn't wait to get back and see. Therefore, I didn't get to relax and appreciate being home. Now, I'm not clouded with any of the previous stuff, so I decided to take a small break and get out of Philly. It feels amazing to be home.

Time to go shopping with mom.

Snowpocalypse

2010-02-10T16:15:00.005-05:00

That's what they're calling the mountains of snow we've gotten in the past four days. Over the weekend, the sky poured down 28.5 inches of snow upon Philadelphia. Two days later - yes, TWO - it has been snowing since last night and expected to reach another 12-22 inches. Plus there is ice and crazy winds in the mix this time around.

Now normally, I would relish a day off from work and school. But I extinguished all of my awesome snowed-in ideas over this past weekend during that storm. I'm caught up on my all my homework so I have nothing productive to do with myself. Also, they're saying that windspeeds could get so high, we may lose power. And tomorrow? Who knows what it's going to look like, and I'm probably going to have to venture out in the snow and ice to make it to work and maybe even class tomorrow night. Driving in this weather obviously scares the hell out of me. Le sigh.

Can't wait to get to Wilkes-Barre this weekend and escape the shoveling and fighting for a parking spot. They're supposed to be getting a foot of snow themselves, but that's actually a break compared to here. Who thought that would ever happen?

vicky cristina barcelona

2010-01-15T22:21:00.001-05:00

if i had one ounce of the sexuality and confidence penelope cruz has, i would be a happy woman.

my heart like a kickdrum

2009-10-28T07:44:00.004-04:00

today is pajama day at work. one of the many reasons why my job is awesome.

for about a month, i've been experiencing a rough patch, but i think i'm finally starting to come out on the other side. it took awhile for me to come to peace with some of the things that have been going on with me. honestly, obtaining peace in my life is a daily struggle for me. but i'm working on it. allowing myself to separate emotion from rationality is a tough thing for me, but i'm working on that too. i'm regaining my equilibrium, and it feels damn good.

going home this weekend for halloween, the first time in a little over two months. for some reason, it feels longer. i can't wait to see my family and go crazy with some of my favorite people in the world. i think this weekend will satisfy what i've been needing lately.

other things?
- studying for the praxis II elementary ed content knowledge test every free moment i get
- new york times crossword puzzles
- too much candy corn
- avett brothers (new album is incredible), hezekiah jones (amazing philly folk band), and dr. dog. i have seen all of the above in the past two months and have been blown away by all performances, particularly the avetts.
- lusting after these boots for about a year now. it's probably time i just buy them already.

2009-09-21T00:07:00.003-04:00

i haven't had the time or energy to write about my togo trip. i'm still processing it, i think. trying to figure out how to apply the things i saw to my life here. will get back to you on that.

feeling weird lately. fall always makes me happy but nostalgic. i still wish i were starting another year at king's as pathetic as that might sound. i've settled nicely into my life here but there are still times when i miss everything. the start of a new school year is one of those times. and kevin is leaving to do something awesome but i'll definitely miss him for the next year. i feel like i need to reconnect with some people because lately i've spent a lot of time and energy on new ones. time to start setting out to do that, i think.

if it weren't so late i might attempt to write something about togo. however, i need to go to sleep. i don't feel well, either. i'll come back to this later.

things i like lately:
- curb your enthusiasm
- acoustic music
- stoneyfield yogurt with banana
- free hair products
- moving into a new house and bedroom in a little over a week and the opportunity to decorate

fifteen days

2009-07-27T13:27:00.003-04:00

my thoughts have been consumed by my africa trip. i have a pile of things in the corner of my room, ready to be packed, and i add little things to it periodically. i think i have about three different lists of things relating to the trip. the excitement and anticipation is almost unbearable at this point... i just want it to be here! fifteen more days, and it will be. it still hasn't fully sunk in, and i don't think it will until i'm on the plane.

i decided to bring my holga in addition to my digital camera. what better place than africa to take her for a testdrive again? incidentally, i found a roll of film already in the holga that i just mailed out for developing yesterday. i can't wait to see what's on it. i know there are pictures from senior year of college. the only one i can remember taking is of a cherry blossom tree above a bench on campus. do you remember that, drew? we went for a walk or something and i brought it with me. i hope the pictures turn out okay.

last night i flipped between "black in america 2" on cnn (with soleded o'brien) and this documentary called "ten days in africa" about a group of african americans who travel to ghana, senegal, and cote d'ivoire in the span of ten days. for some reason i've been really interested in race relations lately, particularly because of where i'll be finding myself in a few short weeks. i am interested to see what it feels like as a minority in a country for the first time. you can bet i'll be writing pages in my journal while i'm over there and typing them up when i come home.

i have this sense of a big change coming to me.

2009-07-17T07:44:00.002-04:00

i hate having weird dreams that feel like they really happened. when you wake up, you're afraid the people in the dream are actually upset with you but you can't say something to them even though you kinda want to. they have no control over their dream behaviors.

and i hope the CIA finds this entry through a google search and prosecutes me for treason

2009-06-01T20:49:00.003-04:00

this country's healthcare system is completely fucked.

what other democratic country in the world forces its citizens to bend over backwards for healthcare? illness is a part of life, and all of us are going to encounter it at one point or another, possibly even many times over. knowing this fact, our country exploits the human condition by charging exorbitant amounts of money for services that should be rendered, justified by common decency. but no, everything is doubted. everything has red tape. "pre-existing condition"? not covered. you bought plan A but only plan B covers an appendectomy. sorry, you're shit out of luck. oh, you didn't read the fine print at the bottom of your agreement that says you pay a $1000 deductible should a medical emergency occur. thanks for the headsup.

why is our country run by a number of greedy self-absorbed assholes? maybe one day, while sitting in their posh office with overpriced wallpaper and solid gold curtain rods, the CEO of CIGNA will face with a dilemma where he or she must choose whether or not to buy groceries for the week or pay the chemotherapy bill that came in the mail yesterday. only then will they feel what it's like for the middle-class american living from paycheck to paycheck.

actually, they'll probably never experience what that feels like because the CEOs of health care companies will never have to worry about their own healthcare. this is why people in positions of power like AIG allot themselves millions of dollars in bonus money to reward their own greed and lack of respect for their fellow americans in an economic downturn. what all of these assholes have in common is their complete disregard for anyone but themselves. how do you go to sleep at night knowing that the company you spearhead is exploiting millions of people?

2009-05-31T19:05:00.003-04:00

my life is exhausting in the best possible sense of the word.

on my two hour drive home from eric's apartment in newark today, i was thinking a lot. since graduating college one year ago (holy shit, i can't believe it's been over a year already), i wasn't sure who would stand the test of time and especially distance. but i have never felt so fulfilled by friends at any point in my life up until now. my friends have been the most amazing support system to me. they make me truly enjoy life. i can count on them 100%, and i know they're not going anywhere. growing up, i never felt secure with a group of friends. it may sound kind of silly to some people, but i guess i just picked the wrong people. now, my friendships are my constant.

random thoughts

2009-05-27T07:56:00.003-04:00

- last night i didn't get home from class until 9:45. these next few weeks will likely feel like the longest of my life. i am literally gone for 12 full hours on days i have class (not counting my one hour lunch break during the work day) and it is truly exhausting. only 3.5 weeks to go.

- i've come to the conclusion that meeting guys at bars is like going on a bunch of mini job interviews in one night. guys come up to you and ask the most impersonal questions:

- what is your name?
- where are you from?
- what do you do?
- where do you live and for how long?

then after answering these questions, you feel obligated to ask them back even though you probably don't care about the answers. the two of you awkwardly continue to make conversation, trying to find common ground, before one of you finds an excuse to flee the conversation. also, while living in philly, i have actually gotten pickup lines for the first time. people seriously use those?! yeah, i didn't know either.

i guess i should update this

2009-05-14T10:07:00.005-04:00

although i don't have a lot to say.

- finished semester #2 of graduate school with a 3.67 - two A-s. i'm pretty pleased with that.
- spent the night before last in the hospital for a gigantic kidney stone. it was the first time i ever went to the ER by myself, and i stayed there by myself for 7 hours til my parents arrived. now here i sit, stone free but kinda in pain. no work the rest of the week, doc says to "take it easy." kinda nice, but also kinda sucks. i need the money.
- i'm going to AFRICA for two weeks in august. holy shit. the plane ticket is bought. i'm getting vaccinated june 3rd and i'm sending away for my travel visa next week. this is going to be the experience of a lifetime.
- subsequently, i am trying to learn some french through rosetta stone in preparation for my trip. just enough that i can say some basic conversational things and maybe be able to understand other people.
- two summer classes coming up, one starting on tuesday. i am not ready for this break to be over.

i've nothing thoughtful to write about this time. i'm too exhausted from the past 48 hours of nurses, blood work and IVs. plus, my kidney kinda hurts. time to go lay down.

ps: i almost bought this dress in the spirit of togo:

there was in me an invincible summer

2009-04-09T22:07:00.004-04:00

remember this quote was supposed to be on our WinterSERVE shirts, joe?

i feel as though i have reached a turning point. with trees blooming cherry blossoms and windows down, everything is illuminated. spring brings renewal, as the adage goes, and i am feeling it more intensely than ever before.

lots of small but good things happened to me this week. an issue with a small car accident was resolved in my favor. seemed to make progress with some behavioral issues (with the kids) at work. happy hour with some girls from work who have the potential to be great friends. inducted into pi lambda theta, the education honor society (which i think is nominated by a professor). lost and the office were amazing. getting to know some new people who make me feel good about who i am. received my passport in the mail, the first major step toward my africa trip.

and now this upcoming weekend, i'm going home for Easter. trips back home refresh me in ways nothing else can, in an absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder kind of way.

as i said, turning point. i spent a lot of time recently reminiscing about last year, and i think it was exactly what i needed. i needed it to regroup, to mentally and emotionally refresh the ties i have with all of the people most important to me. at first i was saddened by the memories because they are over, but i'm learning to let go of what is gone and cherish it for what it was once before. yes, those times are over, but they happened. period. and i am lucky to still have most of the people who created these memories with me, and thankful that these memories are powerful enough to tie us together permanently. these people are not going away, whether they live in pennsylvania, new jersey, slovakia, or africa. just knowing that simple fact makes me stronger.

these entries are turning out to be more self-serving than i anticipated and wanted them to be. i'll try and keep these posts to a minimum from now on, but i had to say this stuff somewhere.

i want to end with a poem by Walt Whitman that could not be more true for me:

I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it, and the moss hung down from the branches;
Without any companion it grew there, uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself;
But I wonder'd how it could utter joyous leaves, standing alone there, without its friend, its lover near--for I knew I could not;
And broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it, and twined around it a little moss,
And brought it away--and I have placed it in sight in my room;
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe lately I think of little else than them:)
Yet it remains to me a curious token--it makes me think of manly love;
For all that, and though the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana, solitary, in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life, without a friend, a lover, near,
I know very well I could not.

and still 5 weeks left in the semester

2009-03-31T22:18:00.000-04:00

i am intellectually exhausted.

on being a herbivore

2009-03-17T08:03:00.002-04:00

when people find out that i am vegetarian, their first question is an incredulous "why?" what started out as a three month long experiment has turned into a lifestyle, and i don't mind giving people my reasons. in fact, vegetarianism has become a passion of mine now. advocating for vegetarianism is something i like doing, but the more i get asked this same question of "why," the more i think about what answer i should give. let's be honest - most people aren't REALLY that interested in why i have stopped eating animals. i think the "why" response is more of a general wondering or just pure confusion. for those people, perhaps i need a standard one-liner in my pocket at all times, an all-encompassing sentence briefly listing my reasons so we can all move on to the next question: "what do you eat?!"

2009-03-12T07:41:00.005-04:00

as i said in my last entry, i've had a lot of stuff go wrong for me lately. but not only do i think the tides have turned, i am forcing them to anyway. i'm changing my outlook on everything.

the other night, i was pacing around my room trying to come up with a solution to a problem that crept up relating to an assignment - teaching a lesson to an actual group of kids. getting into it here would only delay you from reading other more interesting blogs, or doing your laundry, or anything else you might care about. i will forgo the details because they aren't important. anyway... i sat myself down and realized, "listen, you're freaking out about one class assignment. you will get it done eventually, even if there are time constraints and it's a pain in the ass. you will complete it relatively successfully. so what if you get a B? is a B the end of the world?"

this inner monologue taught me two things.

first, graduate school is completely unlike any other form of schooling you have experienced. it ups the ante dramatically on a number of levels, but practically speaking you cannot expect to get an A or complete a perfect assignment every time. it just is not feasible, especially if you are working 35 hours a week and have a life outside of those two realms. these odds double in a classroom setting because teaching kids, no matter how much you may prepare, is always completely unpredictable.

second, that the above realization is a huge relief. anyone who knows me knows i set unreasonable and unrealistic expectations for myself, especially when it comes to school. someone who knows me better than i think i even know myself once told me, "to you, grades are either A or notA" (quinton, 2008). it is glaringly true, and i joke about this now but this attitude continues to haunt me. i mean this in the most sensitive way possible - i honestly feel like a person with anorexia who sees a monstrosity in the mirror. it's a mental barrier i need to overcome, and i feel as though i've reached a breakthrough this week with it.

i'm also trying hard to put my life into perspective every day. my problems here pale in comparison to what other people are going through all over the country and the world. i want to make a conscious effort to step back every day and remember this.

there is a light at the end of the tunnel. although it feels as though i am moving toward it at the speed of an ant, nothing will stop me from succeeding, not even myself.

2009-02-20T13:01:00.003-05:00

i've been having a hard time these past few weeks. it feels like a lot of things just keep going wrong or don't work out. some of these things are small and accumulate to the point where they become large. some of them are large and feel insurmountable to me right now. either way, i fluctuate between feeling hopeless and feeling motivated. it's a constant struggle, and i'm trying really hard to keep my head above the water.

my difficulty lately is largely due to the fact that this semester has been kicking my ass. the semester is making me feel, for the first time, that maybe this isn't going to come so easily. i'm meeting with my advisor next week to talk about my progression in the program, so i'm hoping that will make me feel a little more at ease. maybe it's good to doubt things sometimes. maybe it's good to feel pressure because it challenges you to work harder and better. that's my new plan of attack from now on: stop stressing about what i have to do or how i'm going to do it and just DO IT. period.

through it all, i am trying to focus on simple pleasures:
- riding the train with my headphones on, making it feel like my life has a soundtrack
- writing things in my moleskine planner (i like to be organized)
- coconut cream Hershey kisses
- having one of the kids at work run over to me for a hug when they see me
- purchasing kings of leon and death cab/cold war kids tickets
- the carnations i got for valentine's day, sitting in a vase on my computer desk
- knowing that today at 5:00 starts the weekend

scary times

2009-01-26T21:55:00.002-05:00

today, the new york times reported that throughout the country, 62,000 jobs were lost. and this is only the beginning. some close friends of mine have been laid off, and who knows what others could be experiencing the same thing in the near future? i've only been exposed to the job market since i graduated in may, but even before all the dreary reports about the economy were released, finding a job was damn near impossible. i must've sent out 25-30 resumes over the summer and got one or two callbacks at most. similarly, when i got to philadelphia and started looking for a new job in september and october, i sent out so many resumes i lost count. i had two interviews, both of which lead to nowhere. and now with the downward spiral the economy is swirling in, no one is safe. no longer are the job losses hitting just the car industry and investment bankers. microsoft has announced they will be cutting 5,000 jobs over the next year and a half. if Harvard and MIT graduates are not safe at their jobs, why should we feel secure?

this week, i've had my hours cut at work substantially. typically, for about a month now, i've been cut from 30 hours a week to between 20-23. for a bit, i was getting my usual 30 hours a week. now, i'm getting cut again. it's really been difficult trying to pay my bills because of this, and i've complained a lot about it. however, with jobs everywhere in danger, at least i know that i still have one. no one has been laid off yet at kindercare. my boss has told us that the teachers we have now are good ones, and she intends to keep us all. so i suppose i can breathe a small sigh of relief - my job lives another day. but if things continue to get worse, and companies begin to feel the pressure even more, who knows where i'll be a month from now? i worry about my family, my roommates, my friends. we're all feeling the heat. now that we are all "adults" in the "real world," this is a legitimate reality. it leaves me feeling a sense of powerless i've never before experienced.

writing about writing

2009-01-21T07:43:00.004-05:00

i've started writing again, for a few reasons.

one of them is that i've been devouring books lately. i went through four decently sized novels in the span of about four weeks. it has been awhile since i've been able to enjoy reading again; school has spoiled it for me, or i just haven't had the time. but over the break, two people each recommended a book to me. with their opinions held high, and determination to find my love again, i dove in head on and came out the other side feeling better than ever. it might sound dramatic, but books have been a part of my life forever. it feels good to be back again.

secondly, my subconscious has been freaking out lately by giving me some really screwed up dreams. i wake up only remembering the star of them, and some pieces of events here and there unable to be sewn together. yesterday at work, while the kids were sleeping, i attempted to put one of the more memorable ones into place. i was unable to do so in its entirity, but i got a piece of prose out of it that i'm pretty happy with.

i have a wide range of interests, but really only one passion - literature. it has never really been a legitimate career choice for me because all i really want is someone to pay me to read books every day and discuss them afterwards. basically, i want to get paid to be an english major again.

but i digress (don't!). now if i could only start writing more on here...

music has charms to soothe a savage breast

2009-01-13T22:25:00.003-05:00

i like watching people at the gym.

today i noticed that many people who were wearing headphones were really into their music. i, too, was feeling particularly inspired and motivated by my workout playlist, so i felt a sense of solidarity with these people. one man was headbanging and clapping while using the elliptical. another woman was boxing in the air. even though it sounds kind of silly, it honestly made me happy to think about how music has that much power to get people moving.

start over, it's no way to begin

2009-01-01T19:13:00.003-05:00

my new year's resolution is to say yes to more things, and to find happiness in everything i do.

i'm finally starting to learn how to let go. relax. move forward. stop caring so much.

it's liberating.

all this wandering

2008-12-21T16:07:00.005-05:00

i've been wanting to write in here for a few weeks, but i've lost something. every time i sit down to write a few paragraphs, the words won't come to me.

sometimes, i think, we go through something so profound that there are no words for it. we are only able to feel it without being able to explicitly define it. in the past six months, i have experienced more changes than ever before on so many different levels. i am still reeling from the anxiety of all of that, and although i feel i have adjusted quite well to my new life, there is still a gaping hole where something is missing.

the missing component is what i have been struggling to define. i want to attribute it to the absence of one person in my life because that is easiest and seems to make the most sense. that would simplify things far too much, and gives too much credit to someone who does not deserve it. i don't mean that in a nasty way... it's just, that missing person is only one of many symptoms of an ailment.

the problem is that although i have adjusted to my new life, i am not satisfied with it. i cannot find peace with the changes i have experienced. a lack of peace is the key to my restlessness, and i recognize this. but i have no idea how to go about making peace. if i confront my feelings, the sadness overwhelms me. if i avoid it, it eventually ends up catching up with me... some sort of reminder popping up out of nowhere.

i think too much, and i have never been good with change. instead of fearing the actual changes in my life, it's my perspective that needs fixing, and the expectations i put upon myself. i see people around me with it all figured out, and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me because i am not settled into a career, or engaged, or pregnant. how do i make peace with just where i am right now? how can i stop setting unrealistic goals for myself? how can i learn to take my life for what it is rather than living for the past, or looking toward the future? how can i learn to be satisfied with the here and now?

some random thoughts

2008-11-27T20:53:00.011-05:00

i'm all over the place with this one... bear with me.

i watched waking life again for the first time in a long time. that movie blows my mind for hours afterwards every time. in the beginning, a girl says something about language that i love. it's kind of long, but i'll post it all anyway:

"Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration, and I think this is where language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival; like, 'water' or 'sabre-tooth tiger right behind you'-- we came up with a sound for that. But what I think is really interesting is how we use the same symbols to communicate the abstract, intangible things that we're experiencing. Like, what is frustration? Or what is anger, or love? When I say 'love', the sound comes out of my mouth and hits the other person's ear, travels through this byzantine conduit in their brain, through their memories of love--or lack of love--and they register what I am saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive can not be expressed; it's unspeakable. And yet, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected and we think we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And I think that feeling might be transceived, but I think it's what we live for."

one of the many parts of this that i connect with is when she says "we feel that we have connected and we think we're understood," and i have written about this before in some form or another. there's no way of ever knowing whether or not a connection or understanding has been reached between two people because everyone has a different meaning for words. even ourselves... ask me on a good day and i will tell you, with flowery language and sentimental sighs, what love means to me; ask me on a bad day and i will have something markedly different and dark for you. definition of words never change - it is their meaning that is always changing. words evolve to mean different things over time, in a society. and we create many different connections to words. maybe twenty years from now we will not have a definition for "blog" because that word will be obsolete. we might lose our connection to it.

it is in this abstraction of words that difficulty arises. if we never say what we mean (and most of us do not at any given moment), or use words without explicitly defining their meaning to us, how can we ever hope to be understood? or perhaps this is our defense mechanism, to avoid defeat, to live in blissful ignorance. until we are certain that what we are about to say will be well received, we remain silent. i have found myself far too many times, in conversation with someone i do not know well, holding back my opinions simply because i can't anticipate what their response will be. we fear our words will hit their ears displeasingly and because of this, sacrifice a bit of ourselves in the process. but it is the people who you can be comfortable with to say anything at all... those are the ones that will always truly hear you.

obligatory election post

2008-11-05T08:58:00.004-05:00

at the risk of sounding cliched and republican-like in my patriotism, i have never felt more proud of my country than i did last night and i do right now. for the first time in a long time, americans have proven that we aren't moronic after all. john mccain's annoying and adolescent smear tactics did nothing to slow down obama's campaign; in fact, i'd venture to say they made him stronger. he rose above all the dirty campaign bullshit time and time again, and it goes to show that focus and sincerity pay off.

john mccain is an old man who seemed to have lost sight of the true reason why he was running for president. anyone who saw barack obama in his victory speech last night might say the exact opposite. he appeared sober, even solemn, and more than anything else, ready. although a time to celebrate his victory, more than anything else he knows the enormity of what he is about to take on. george bush has given him 8 years of economic trouble, two losing wars, a health care system about to implode. obama said it best last night when he said we may not get there in one year, or even in one term, but the bottom line is that this is the start of something new. maybe now americans won't have to hide our heads when we travel abroad, embarassed to say what country we're from. maybe now our troops will come home safely from fighting a war they never should have been in in the first place. maybe now people like me who are forced to work without benefits to get myself through graduate school will be able to afford health care.

this is the first election i have been emotionally and personally involved in. i've only been able to vote in two elections so far, but each one becomes increasingly important to me the older i get. we're adults now, and it's scary to think about it but we have to worry about things like global warming and the economy. whatever the current politicians leave behind them will be left for us to pick up the pieces. i've religiously read cnn.com and the new york times every day for the past year, hoping and waiting. now is the time for us to move forward.

and on that note:http://xkcd.com/500/

i've been thinking about gratification lately.

2008-10-23T09:34:00.001-04:00

is it worth it to emotionally exhaust yourself over something that cannot be resolved? what if it's something you deeply care about? how long before enough is enough? or when is very little enough to help you get by? or do we eventually want more, no matter what?

it is human nature, or maybe just the american way, that causes us to never be satisfied. anytime it seems like we've got everything going for us, we find something to get in the way. or despite being spoiled with thousands of small and useless possessions around us on a daily basis, we constantly want more. whether it's simply more possessions, or more meaning, rarely is there a moment when we can be satisfied with just where we are right now.

the same goes for people and our relationships. anytime it feels like we are getting the most out of our relationships, we are tempted to push it a little and try and eak out even more. vygotsky calls this the zone of proximal development: the space between the actuality of something versus its potential. although he was talking about a student's learning, i think it's applicable in any situation producing results. perhaps we alott too much potential to something that is perfectly good in its actuality. in other words, we try and add meaning to relationships that don't need any more. we reach a plateau and start psyching ourselves out, or we force something that isn't there.

but how do we know when to stop before it's too late and we sabotage the original relationship?

communication

2008-09-21T23:57:00.003-04:00

i've decided to jump on the bandwagon and begin a blog. i've been fooling around with the idea for some time now, but i'm throwing caution to the wind and writing again. i miss it.

lately i've been thinking about communication, particularly because i saw frank warren (a la postsecret fame) speak at west chester university last week. he himself isn't that eloquent of a speaker, nor were his ideas particularly innovative or inspiring. what concerned me more is the general concept surrounding postsecret. people express their secrets artistically, with words or without words, on a 4x6 piece of cardstock and send it to a complete stranger who in turn shares it with anyone capable of using the internet. human beings are so eager to feel a common bond with others that they go to extremes just to do so. is it because there is no one we can physically talk to about our problems? maybe. but more likely, i think, is that we just want to indulge ourselves. by outwardly manifesting our thoughts, we think we are making them real. but why do we need someone else to confirm this? why isn't it enough that thoughts exist in our heads, and we interpret them as we will? no, we need someone else, usually many someones, to give us feedback on our musings.

and that is the flaw in the design. we have been conditioned by society to feel that our own private thoughts must be shared with a listener. we feel incomplete without bouncing ideas off of someone else. and although on one hand that is what intimacy means, and i'm all gung-ho about being intimate with someone, a recent life-change has caused me to reevaluate this concept. i find myself thinking things multiple times a day where i wish there was someone i could share them with. thinking them myself isn't enough, and i have trained myself to think this way, and it bothers the hell out of me. why can't i be content with being inside my own head? why do i want to invite someone else in here with me?

i recognize fully that i am demonstrating this flaw as we speak by writing about it in a blog that will be read by others. and i have no answer for this, only recognition that i am living proof of this blunder. there is the rub.